They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it’s costing me a fortune in houses.
I hate when old people poke me at weddings, point and whisper, “You’re next.” So I’ve started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
If the truth shall kill them, let them die.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
What’s the worst thing I’ve stolen? Probably little pieces of other people’s lives. Where I’ve either wasted their time or hurt them in some way. That’s the worst thing you can steal, the time of other people. You just can’t get that back.
I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.
They burned the bridge, then ask why I don’t visit.
I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t been self-destructive in some way. Who hasn’t gone through some sort of bout of self-loathing. You’ve got to bang yourself around a bit to know yourself.
That awkward moment when you try to make a silent fart, but you fail and it sounds like a BOMB :D
Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.
Beer: Its not just for breakfast anymore.
If you are living your life without giving an f, You are living a li[ ]e.
Dont be irreplaceable; if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.
It’s funny how head and shoulders becomes: head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash!
Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand.